I have been thinking a lot lately about my current marriage as opposed to my previous abusive marriage. I have been married almost four years and we have been together almost five. My previous marriage was technically slightly over three years. The contrast could not be more extreme!
I have witnessed first-hand what a marriage should be; what I had always hoped it would be. My wife and I do not have a perfect marriage; who does? What we do have is a best friendship where we both occasionally fail as best friends. However, those failures and resulting conflicts have NEVER produced even the thought or intimation of a physical reaction of anger that would result in the intimidation of the other and certainly not the touch of another in anger. Our disagreements have not devolved into name calling, threats or manipulation to get one’s way. Why not? Well, because we truly love one another!
What is this thing called love? Whenever I think of love I think of chapter 13 of 1 Corinthians in the King James version of the Bible; specifically, verses 4 and 5.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
I am blessed with a wife who embodies these things. When we fail at our friendship, our goal and what we eventually accomplish is to get back to these ideals. It really pains us when we are less than kind, less than patient or self-centered to the point of hurting one another. Through patience and time, we eventually talk through and “Fix the Hurt” and return back to the friendship better for it. This is what love is!!
In my previous marriage, the slightest disagreement could result in my ex-wife either going into a fit of rage that could result in yelling, screaming, name calling, manipulation or sometimes even physical violence. Let me give you a perfect example of this that occurred before we were even married. We were backing out of the driveway of my home and I started talking about the white mailbox that I had decided to put in the driveway as part of the remodel. I remarked how well it went with the white door and trim. Suddenly, as soon as those words came off of my lips she slugged me in the arm as hard as she could three times as she yelled that the mail box was her idea??? This is what we call a RED flag. The eventual abuse after marriage progressively got worse. We did get help but the abuse never stopped so I got out. Does this sound familiar to you as either the victim or the aggressor? If it does, get help now!!
As I mentioned above, my relationship with my current wife is not perfect, however, too many times, that acknowledged lack of perfection is what those who are abused or those who abuse use as a reason to not get help and get out or stop. If you can’t relate strongly to my current marriage and instead, relate to my previous one or you know others in this situation, please visit http://www.helpfixthehurt.org/resources/.
Remember that relationships are a privilege and NOT a right. If you are an abuser and can’t stop abusing, YOU need to leave and NEVER return to a relationship. If you are being abused, please do whatever you need to do to safely leave.
It is my hope and prayer that ALL will have the privilege to experience what love truly is and be able to partake in the happiness and joy it brings to not only your life, but to your family and friends.
Fix the Hurt board member